Which is why all five borough presidents gathered at Junior’s restaurant in Brooklyn a few weeks ago. Not so that they would have a reason for an extravagant, tax-funded, cheesecake-capped lunch, but because they wanted to get together and share stories about the extravagant, tax-funded lunches that they eat every day with other politicians who enjoy that perk…and also to eat cheesecake.
But looking at the photo printed next to these very words, with all five of our borough leaders, the best and brightest that each segment of New York City has to offer, we can only wonder what it is they actually discussed.
Just like the wonderful businessmen on Wall Street, Pol Position would like to take a few minutes to speculate wildly, and with that we present to you our version of that fateful borough president meal. (Unfortunately, we’re only a bi-borough newspaper, and are only familiar with the borough presidents from Brooklyn and Queens. For the sake of hilarity, we have arbitrarily assigned Bronx BP Adolfo Carrion, Jr. the demeanor of a pirate, Manhattan BP Scott Stringer the personality of a black bear, and Staten Island BP James Molinaro is recast as a typical Staten Islander. Enjoy!)
Marty Markowitz: Wow, this cheesecake! This is really something! Best in the city!
Helen Marshall: Yes, I absolutely adore cheesesteaks. Especially when the taxpayer is footing the bill. It makes it all the more delicious.
Adolfo Carrion Jr: Aye, but ‘tis no gold, which be the only thing that brightens me soul.
Scott Stringer: Rrrowrr! (Pulls fish out of a nearby river.)
James Molinaro: Hey, taxpayers! Up your nose with a rubber hose!
Markowitz: So I understand that people don’t like borough presidents anymore! Why would they say that? We’re the best politicians around! The best! I am confident in our success!
Marshall: Yes. Without us, I don’t know who would cut ribbons at banks, be the public face of our borough’s charitable acts, or push unrealistic and extravagant development projects into neighborhoods that don’t want them.
Carrion: We be the best ones to plunder these neighborhoods I say. Aye, ‘tis good to care little for the laws of the landlubbers, and pledge allegiance only to the trade winds.
Stringer: Rrrrrrr. Rrrrrrr. Rrrrrr.
Molinaro: Do you know what they call Quarter Pounders in France? They have the metric system there. They call them a LeRoyale with Cheese.
Markowitz: We serve an integral purpose in our boroughs! What do you think would happen if all this money taxpayers spent used for something worthwhile instead of epic lunches? The system! It would be all out of whack!
(Everybody laughs. Helen Marshall snorts milkshake out her nose.)
Marshall: Sorry boys. I’ve got some milkshake on my nose.
Markowitz: Here! Use this handkerchief! I bought it at Brooklyn’s own Handsome Haberdashery! Best hanky in the city!
Carrion: Arrr, mateys! I’ve been so much happier since I stopped looking for that mythical x-marked spot and realized the treasure really found in cushy government jobs. I do miss the cannon fire, though.
Stringer: Rwwoawr! (Gets hand stuck in a beehive.)
Molinaro: Wait. You’re telling me you want to take my face off? My face. Off?