|August 15, 2010||Lady Cashless Turns 23||no comments|
|August 09, 2010||Captain Poor Pants Returns to Shore||3 comments|
|July 28, 2010||Shopaholic Hits a Wall||no comments|
|July 22, 2010||The Adventures of Super Mooch!||no comments|
|July 17, 2010||Mouth Breather and Wheezer||no comments|
|July 11, 2010||Gambling it all Away||no comments|
|July 08, 2010||no comments|
Yes ladies and gentleman this Friday was my 23rd birthday. I hear it now, boisterous applause, shrieking with glee, here comes the oh so chocolately and sinful cake, trumpets are blaring in the distance and white knights are galloping in...yea right.
My birthday was on Friday the 13th I knew better than to tempt fate. The last time my birthday was on that cursed day I was having a pool party and it rained all day. See why I might have had some reservations about it? Rightly so since I had to cancel plans for Saturday due to an emergency at work and instead of eating Filet Mignon with my girls I was instead taking delivery orders and running a lotto machine. Touche Friday the 13th, Touche. Though I think the torrential downpour the last time was worse.
Anyway the Wednesday before my birthday rocked hardcore! 1. because it's the end of my workweek (part-time job people) and 2. CAUSE I WENT TO GO SEE BILLY ELLIOT! was that loud enough for ya? I went to see Billy Elliot on Broadway! Thanks to my awesome Uncle Joe and Aunt Pat who bought me the tickets for my birthday.
Me and my mommy were sitting five rows back from the stage. The show was amazing. I sat there in awe the whole time. I think I might have loved it more than Rent which is seriously saying something. I know all the words to every single song in Rent. Don't look at me like that I went to a performing arts high school, if I didn't know the lyrics I would have failed and been forced to sing Barbara Streisand tunes by the musical theatre gays. They are far more torturous than the ballet gays, take my word for it.
Anyway the show was brilliant. The boy who played Billy was phenomenal. The entire cast put their heart and soul into the show and it was just spectacular. So that was my Wednesday night. An evening of theatre with my mother.
Then the night of my birthday I stuffed my face full of Lai Yuen's fantabulous Gran Marnier shrimp and drank lots of birthday wine. I felt like a doofus while the waiter sang happy birthday to me, but that's okay. It kind of reminded me of the scene at the end of A Christmas Story when the family's in the chinese restaurant the waiters are trying to sing Jingle Bells which, let's be honest always makes me smile.
Yargh grrr I be returning from a seven day journey to the gorgeous Bahamas. The gorgeous and expensive cruise to the bahamas. Did you think I was going to write this entire entry in pirate speak? HA, No, I'm not nearly that annoying...though I did think about it for a minute.
So like I said I just got back on Saturday morning from my vacation to the bahamas. It was exactly what I needed. A place to just completely forget about reality and soak up the sun on the beach. I also needed to drink and dance the night away which I definitely did for seven days straight.
Beware the room key my friends. Beware. They should seriously give that thing to you with a warning sign, you know like the ones they put on the european cigarettes. "Smoke and you'll die." The room key should say "Swipe me and enter bankruptcy." NOT kidding. You use that damn thing for everything, from buying a ten dollar fruity rum ladden drink to a box of tampons. I tried to keep track in my head but after awhile it just got too hard...meaning I was too drunk to actually keep track of the amount of stupid fruity drinks I was drinking.
On the subject of fruity drinks, aside from the fact that they always ended up being ten bucks, they were seriously deadly. The first night I was put into a rum coma since I drank about ten ounces of it yet it tasted like pineapple. How do these miracle making bartenders do that? You're drinking rum but it tastes like peaches TADA! it's magic! now you drink four of them muahaha! Yes that would be evil cackling. Then the awesome bartender from some country like Columbia hands you a receipt and you sign your life away. Just kidding. But no seriously, just sign on the dotted line and snap, charge, done.
It helps to meet someone who is rich on one of these cruises which I thought I did. I thought I could look past the physical appearance. Fat, balding and droopy eyes...but I just...couldn't. Evidently I'm a gold digger and shallow...but he waddled when he walked. You know that waddle that fat people have, it's kind of like a really slow penguin. He walked like that and I couldn't ignore the fat waddle...just couldn't. I mean this guy wanted me and wanted me bad and he was staying in one of those villas with a private jacuzzi. Can you see my eyes glowing? It's the villa not the guy trust me, he was way too hardcore about trying to get with me. Then when I found out he was unemployed and his mom was paying for everything it was really over. I couldn't even fake it anymore. And yes once again let's reiterate...I'm a horrible person. The problem now was getting rid of this guy and let me tell you even when I said straight up "I'm not interested." It didn't work. Why do guys insist that when you tell them no that you actually mean yes and are playing hard to get? I wasn't playing boy I was being perfectly serious so take the hint and take a hike homeslice.
So that ended having my drinks paid for...I felt bad using him and then at the end of the week being like haha no nookie for you. Maybe I am halfway decent...don't tell anybody.
So most of the week was spent lounging by the pool, drinking and avoiding fat man. At the end of the trip they give you your bill. When I saw mine I nearly fainted. I managed to swipe my way to $600. I didn't even start paying my mom back yet for laying out the cash. Maybe I could consider selling my eggs. I hear they pay good money for that. Somebody should use them since I never plan too. I could really help someone in need...and quickly fill my bank account.
So I should just say right now that I'm going on vacation Saturday to the Bahamas. To go on said vacay I spent my entire savings for a year and will be charging the rest. Who cares, I'll have a month to pay it all off. I need this. Obviously I can't just go away without buying stuff to go away with.
I'm probably not even going to wear real clothes for the entire week anyway but I have this idea in my head that I will be wearing this amazingly awesome dress and meet the man of my dreams. This man will secretly be insanely wealthy and we'll run away together to his castle in Scotland where we will live happily ever after. The end.
In order to meet insanely wealthy Scottish man with a castle I need fabulous clothes. So me and Mommy head over to Kohl's to do some serious shopping. I was really excited about this, I mean I couldn't wait. My credit card hasn't been swiped in over a month and I'm having some serious anxiety problems because of it.
Enter the land of disappointment. Listed below are the reasons why.
1. I was not impressed with the clothes
2. Nothing I tried on fit. It was like everything in the store was made for someone who had three rear-ends and boobs the size of watermelons. I'm not tiny, but I'm not ginormous either. Yes I just made up a word, deal.
3. Kohl's is a glorified Target. There I said it. Now at least at Target I can get some awesome T-shirts to wear, but here there was...nothing. My credit card was crying because he wasn't getting any action.
So I didn't buy anything which means I'm still itching to spend money...or pimp out my credit card to any store that will have him. Stupid Kohl's...we are not friends.
There is one thing that helps with an empty wallet...a male friend who is willing to pay for you when you go somewhere. I know feminists all over the country are screaming in rage with their eyes bulging in disbelief, but I have one thing to say, when your wallet is as empty as mine is I'd let Stalin pay for my coffee and Italian Ice OKAY?
Originally the evening started out as me, Penny and Antoinette heading down to Isabella's for some Italian Ices. Then I get some random phone call from my friend Sabino, who I haven't seen in over a year, and he decides to meet up with us. So now we're all chatting and before I know it the girls are gone and me and Sabino are just hanging out. Penny had to leave because let's face it, she actually lives in the real world and wakes up for work in the morning while I get to sleep in until all hours of the day because I have a lame ass part time job.
For some reason all of my friends have amazing jobs where they make more than $10 an hour. These said friends also drive really sweet cars, Penny and her Caddy, Sabino and his BMW...I on the other hand still drive my beaten down Mitsubishi which as of late has been lacking in vocal cords (no horn and no car alarm beep) so I sometimes have no idea if I locked it or not...after it got broken into five months ago now I stick my ear really close to the door to make sure it locked, but even then I can't tell.
So friend numero dos with really sweet car Sabino decides that he wants another Italian Ice. "You want one Rae?" "No," I say, but I'm sure I'm pouting as sadly as a three year old who just dropped her ice cream. "You sure?" That's it, all he had to do was tempt me and I was out of that plastic chair like a bullet. Now he orders his ice and I order mine and as I'm reaching for my wallet he just randomly pays. Okay, so he never offered he just did it, what was I supposed to do, force the two bucks down his throat? Wasn't happening.
After our ices are consumed we're onto our next location. Omonia in Astoria. Now if you know anything about Astoria it costs five bucks for a cup of coffee. Not that I'm really complaining since I love the outdoor street cafe atmosphere but when you're charging your gas, you'd rather have dunkin donuts, just saying.
as a side note-the lights in Omonia make you hallucinate and feel like you're in an acid trip. Way too many colors.
Being the Italian girl that I am I order an iced cappucino. Right there it's an easy seven bucks with tip, but whatever I'm there. When we get the check I reach for my wallet and Bino goes "I got it." So now I say "What are you nuts?" and start to take out money. Sabino says no and I begin to go back at him. Yes, No, Yes, No. Like a boxing match over who is gonna pay the check.
You know when you're kind of hoping the other person will pay and you're just saying no for the sake of being polite? Yea well, I was doing that. I know there's lots of head shaking going on, but don't act like you've never done it before. I'm not ashamed. I'm broke. In the end Sabino paid the check. Hey, I offered to leave the tip but he wouldn't let me do that either. You know what? I don't even feel bad about it. I'm a mooch when desperate times call for it.
One way to blow through a ridiculous amount of money is by getting sick. Ah yes, for the fourth time this year I have come down with a serious sinus infection. Of course this one had to be the worst of all time and if I took off work I wouldn't have had money to go to the doctor. Pathetic huh? So this means I worked for three days praying to my sweet Lord that it was just a cold. Could I be so lucky? Nope.
By the time Wednesday rolled around I felt like my chest had a brick sitting on it and my sinuses were so clogged I was forced to breathe through my mouth. I sounded like Darth Vader. My eyes were so heavy that I could barely keep them open. So I caved and went to the doctor.
As soon as I was checked out he told me I should have been there like last week. Well duh Doc! Couldn't he see that I was suffering? I'm also a glutton for punishment. I have to be on my death bed before I ever go see the doctor. For some reason I don't feel the same way about the dentist, like a good little girl I go every six months. Evidently I have a fear of losing my teeth but if I can't breathe it's not such a big deal. I definitely have problems.
The infection settled into my chest so bad he sent me home with an asthma pump which I have to use twice a day like a 95 year old emphysema patient. At least now I can breathe, thank God. I'm still hacking up a lung every five minutes producing a grossly discolored mucus. Also I'm constantly in the bathroom which is probably a side effect from the antibiotic I'm on and there's a weird taste in my mouth which I think is from all the mucinex combined with said asthma pump.
All in all I'm not very fabulous this week, instead I'm phlegmy and clogged. Please let it end, if it doesn't I might break open my own chest cavity and remove my lungs with my bare hands.
I tried to control myself this weekend...really I did, but for some reason the clanging of those slot machines lured me in like a moth to a flame. It was pathetic really, I couldn't control myself. On my free time I would just sit there feeding money into the thing like a hungry baby bird and before I knew it, it was gone. It was like whatever machine I touched turned to a lifeless piece of garbage. I now understand why people get addicted to gambling, I just wanted to hear it clang away, or get those bells to shriek!
Meanwhile my friend Antoinette kept winning without even really trying. She'd get all excited, smiling a self satisfied smile. I could have seriously strangled her since in a matter of minutes I'd lost about fifty bucks. Fifty bucks of my coveted cash which could have been used to purchase alcohol...which I needed after throwing away a significant amount of cash. I forgot to mention that I lost this money on the penny slots because those were the only machines in the smoking section which I appropriately dubbed the geriatric section due to the fact that everyone else in there was about 90 years old. I didn't care as long as I could have a cigarette without standing outside in the humidity which made my hair frizz up so bad I looked like a highlighted poodle.
Aside from that before I even got to AC I spent twenty bucks on gas. Understandable since Mary and Penny were doing the driving. Doing AC on a pauper's budget wasn't easy but I managed.
I mean come on! Who wants to practice self control when you're in a place where you're supposed to completely forget about practicality and just go for it? I didn't want too, hell I would have jumped into the indoor pool at Harrah's in my high heels and fancy pants if I was drunk enough. If you're looking for decent male companionship I would steer clear of The Pool. Every single guy there was a vulture circling around readily available chunks of meat. At one point a guy literally licked his lips before approaching Penny for a dance, like he was getting ready to lap her up like a puppy waiting for dinner.
I wasn't drunk enough mostly because I didn't have the money to get completely trashed. Being that wasted would have made sleeping in a moldy bedroom with one friend who snored loud enough to wake the dead so much easier. I am not going to name the said snorer...MARY.
OH and another thing about the moldy bedroom, which caused Penny to nearly claw her own perfect nose off her face due to the allergic reaction she was having, it was $400! That's pure robbery! I mean the mold growing on the shower ceiling could have been its own country.
Truthfully I did have a really good time even if I was creeped out, trying to avoid mold spores and lost all my money on the penny slots. I could have fun sitting in my backyard with a glass of wine if my friends are there. My next adventure? Trying not to spend any money until I go on vacation...HA yeah right.
On tuesday afternoon I probably recieved the greatest text message of all time from my cousin Christina. It went a something like this "I have an extra ticket to Lady Gaga, do you wanna go?"
Now before I continue let me just say that I am completely obsessed with Lady Gaga, there can never be too much Gaga in my opinion. She will never be played out, will never be on TV too often and will never ever go out of style. I love her. I wish that I was her. She's a freak of nature and will never be forgotten. My children, if I ever decide to reproduce, will be screaming her name at Madison Square Garden one day.
In my euphoric glory with Gaga flashing before my eyes I send her back a text message that looks like this OMG OMG YES YES YES OMG! I forgot to ask one key question...how much was the ticket. This is something I do often in my life. Something fabulous appears before my eyes, glittering and shimmering in the wind and I jump. However, this is my current situation, empty bank account credit card bill=broke.
My wonderful cousin of mine texts me back that the ticket is $190. What? Are you kidding? Honestly I thought I fainted but actually I'd just stopped walking so everything was okay. I thought about what I had just done to myself and took a deep breath. Okay, so either I get to see the greatest concert on earth or I don't. The greatest concert on earth it is. Hell, I'd sell my own kidney to see Lady Gaga perform..which is basically what I had to do.
I had to beg my parents. Now this might seem like the worst possible thing in the entire world that a 22 year old girl could do...but for Gaga I'd do anything, as stated above. The begging began at 10am with numerous phone calls to my mother, "But she's amazing." "I love you, Mommy." "It can be my birthday present." "I'll never have this opportunity again!" Finally when my father got gome at 6:30pm they caved and I was permitted to attend the concert.
The indignity of begging money off my parents was worth it! At one point she played piano upside down, during another song she wore a white fairy costume that moved. I'm not kidding! The headress and skirt opened and closed magically. The best and most amazing night of my life.
This weekend, party in AC...without cash...and I think I've begged enough for one week. Are you ready plastic?